I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
