yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
