I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How does one acquire holy water?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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