I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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