I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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