those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
