I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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