Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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