just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
