So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
don't judge my taste in strippers
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
