She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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