I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
