What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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