we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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