On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
did i just pee glitter
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
