I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
