i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
