The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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