Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
zippers are such a cool invention
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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