I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
