Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
