just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
