Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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