then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
