omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
