Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
