get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
