between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
