im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
