He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
