i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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