I wish my penis had an off switch
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
