i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
