she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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