He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
