He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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