I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I faked an abortion last night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
