So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
