2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
