Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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