You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
