1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
