Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
