Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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