im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i believe in u and ur pee
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
