After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
