The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
