I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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