After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
