The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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