Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We smell like vodka and hangover
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
