He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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