so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
